Thursday, December 20, 2007

Grocery School

I should be able to give tickets in the grocery store. Seriously, people, it's just like traffic.

I had to make a Costco trip today. I knew it was going to be a horror - five days before Christmas, I'm sure people are rushing the place to get giant tubs o' cookie dough for the office swap tomorrow. But I ask you, how hard is it to keep to the right?

I almost wrote, "You manage to do it in your cars!" - but then I remembered I'm in Colorado now, and no, they don't manage to stay to the right in their cars, either. These people are all over the road - and always at 35 mph. Always. I suppose it shouldn't shock me that they're wandering all over the Costco with the carts taller than I am at bizarre angles in all the aisles, looking at things two rows over, standing three abreast and meandering around the displays.

Don't get me started on the sample ladies, either. Getting a free sample is not a pass to stick your cart anywhere you feel like it, or to stop suddenly, either. Those stupid things weigh at least 100 lbs. when they're empty - by the time I've gotten some dairy products and chicken in there, I have to rely on friction to help me stop it, and it ain't gonna be quick. Especially since the handles are practically at my chin - and no, that's not an exaggeration. Costco cart handles are higher than my breasts. You should see me trying to get things out of the bottom - I feel like my feet are flailing in midair as I dangle over the edge of the cart, grasping desperately at my blocks of cheese and giant bags of frozen veggies.

Back to the point: Tickets. There should be Grocery School, just like Traffic School. If you fail to yield to the main aisle (thanks, Random Old Guy who just kept walking at me and almost ran me over), if you can't stay on the right side of the aisle (um, all the rest of you), if you insist on having a conversation about the relative merits of a gallon of peanut oil versus a gallon of olive oil while your child is dancing through the aisle, and then you glare at me when I almost hit him - If you do any of the above, you need a ticket and a chance to go to Grocery School, where you'll learn such valuable skills as:

- Not blocking the aisles!
- Following a list so you don't lollygag and get in my way!
- Understanding the layout of your average grocery store!
- Optimal cart-filling!
- How to replace carts in the cart corral instead of in front of my back bumper!
- How to keep your bratty children from screaming when you won't buy them candy!
- And much much more! Enroll Now!

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