Why Bacon Watches Television

I recently joined an online community for mothers in my area. With educational choices looming on the very near horizon and being new to the state, I thought it would be helpful, even if I just lurked. One of the community features is a blog written by several of the active members. I've been cruising through the archives, stopping at topics that interest me, learning how other people parent. With my part-time daycare gig, getting a handle on other parents is a must.

But for fuck's sake, people, if turning off the television has turned your child into an oversensitive mess who can't follow the plot of a movie, you've done something wrong.

This woman wrote a blog post about how her six-year-old is just so "sensitive" he can't watch Curious George without worrying that George won't get out of trouble.

I'll wait for you to catch your eyes as they roll across the floor. Back in? Good. Let's continue.

Apparently, the kid's only allowed to watch The Wiggles (shudder on so many levels, the least of which is musical) and Disney movies. But he can't make it more than 10 minutes into a Disney movie, because of the aforementioned "sensitivity". This makes it difficult for him to relate to his kindergarten peers because - of course! - he's "one of the youngest" in his class. Which is code for "my kid's SO SMART, he just had to start school younger than everyone else!"

You know what we called smart, oversensitive kids when I was one? Sissies. Nerds. Losers. LAMEASSES.

I'm not endorsing name-calling by any means. It's cruel, it's rude, and it's not a habit I'd want my child to get into. But I also wouldn't want my kid to BE a lameass, and thus, I've actually tried to give her a couple of social skills here and there. Not crying at the drop of a hat, following a damn storyline, and being able to relate to children her age are pretty much considered requirements in the Bacon household. I have told my daughter, more than once, to "man up". Crying irritates me.

And if this were just one pretentious mother, bemoaning how awful television is that she couldn't show it to her Pweshous, and now she doesn't know how to get him to relate to all the other six-year-old cretins whose barbarian parents allow them to watch Star Wars, I'd roll my eyes and be done with it. But wouldn't you know it - 15 comments' worth of "I let my kids watch too much 'Wiggles' and I regret it!" and "Good for you for not letting him watch movies - he'll be fine!"

Yeah. When the big man on campus knocks his head in for crying, I'm sure he'll be "fine". Way to go, Mom - you've raised a complete loser!

The Irony, It Burns!

James Dobson, Fundie extraordinaire, has accused Barack Obama of "...deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own worldview, his own confused theology."

The article (from Yahoo! News) didn't specify whether Mr. Dobson was wearing a poly-cotton blend, had eaten cheeseburgers recently, shaved his beard, or worked on Saturdays.

And it looked so tasty, too...

Me: I'm going to bite your nose off.
Bacon: What?!
Me: I'm going to bite your nose off!
Bacon: No, Mommy, I don't want you to!
Me: Why not?
Bacon: Because if I don't have a nose, I can't smell the flowers!

Dork Love II, Electric Boogaloo

Me: But they're irrational fears. Obviously we aren't going to die in a tornado full of spiders, only to be eaten by Tyrannosaurs and have our bones thrown in lava.
Baconsdad: Tyrannosaurs? I'd be way more afraid of velociraptors. Didn't they hunt in packs?
Me: Well, yeah, but it's the giant walking things I have issue with. Velociraptors didn't have opposable thumbs.
BD: Giant walking things?
Me: Yeah, you know, like those AT-ATs in Star Wars? Those things freak me the fuck out.
BD: But Tyrannosaurs would just eat you whole, not throw your bones. Also, it would be a lot easier to hide from a Tyrannosaur than a velociraptor.
Me: Irrational fears. You're not going to make me not afraid of something through logic if the fear isn't logical to begin with.
BD: Oh yes, I am. I will tell you all the reasons you should be more afraid of 'raptors than Tyrannosaurs, and I think, eventually, you'll see I'm right.