Sunday, April 27, 2008


It has two Ps, not two Ss.

Dilemma has no Ns, but it does, always, have two Ms.

Site is a location, either on the internet, or in real life. Sight is the sense your eyes provide - or perhaps it's a piece of a gun, but it's certainly not a place. And while we're on that subject - local is the adjective you use to describe where something is in relation to you. My corner grocery? It's local. Locale is a synonym of site.

Moral is the end of an Aesop fable, or a good way to describe the Pope. Morale is what your company is trying to improve when they give you $5 Starfuck's giftcards for Secretaries' Day.

It's Mothers' Day, by the way. Fathers' Day, too - it's for all of them, not just one of them. S' denotes something that belongs to a group of people - 's indicates it belongs to just one, unless the plural noun is such that it doesn't end in an s, like children or people.

They used to call elementary school grammar school, because at one point, not very long ago in history, they taught grammar there. Grammar used to include spelling, proper usage of punctuation, and homophones.

I'd hate to think I live in a nation that needs, collectively, to return to first grade, but there are days when the above peeves are only the tip of the iceberg. If you insist on communicating with the written word, you must learn to write properly, or no one will understand you.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Open Letter to Coloradans

No, I know, it's so confusing, that big car! All that metal! All those buttons, knobs, levers and pedals! I understand. You're having trouble. That's why I'm here to help.

The gas pedal is on the right. If you press it, it makes the car go faster! Yes, that's right - faster than twenty fucking miles per hour!

I know you know where the brake is. You use it to start stopping for the signal while a) the signal's still green, and b) when you're half a mile from it. Also: whenever anyone else within two miles of you is braking, for whatever reason. You wouldn't want to get ahead of the pack, or out of someone else's blind spot! That would be ridiculous!

And now I'll tell you a secret: The left lane on the freeway is for people who'd like to go faster than you. No, really. That's where the expression "the fast lane" comes from. Sorry to say, though, that "fast" doesn't mean fifty miles per hour in a sixty-five zone. In fact, that would be the exact opposite of "fast".

Parking lots are not, in fact, a suitable place to drive 35 mph. No, really. Especially since that seems to be top speed around here.

And right-of-way is not, actually, determined simply by who really wants to go. There are rules. I will follow them, even if it means hitting your stupid ass.

Wishing you would kindly get the fuck out of my way,

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I Weep for the World

Some days, I seriously wonder if I've gone completely mad, and am even now only hallucinating this blog from the safety of a padded cell and a nice, tight white jacket.

This was a post I ran across on the Knot just now, and I wonder if, before I found Size Acceptance, I just took for granted that everyone should have disordered habits around food, too.

Does dieting make me a Bridezilla?

I posted this on Getting in Shape board too, but was also curious what all
the P&E girls thought...

I have a really good friend who is also one of my BM's. Every since I
joined WW she has been driving me crazy. She calls me to go out to eat all the
time, which is fine, but she never wants to go to anywhere where I can easily
look up points. She will always pick little local cafes. I will ask her
sometimes if we can go to a national chain that is listed in my dining out
guide, or for sushi, or something low-point and easy to figure out, and she will
call me a bridezilla and act like I am being overly difficult.

Then, once we've eaten, she will always want dessert or drinks, and she
will get mad at me if I decline, or she'll ask why I can't just sit there and
"socialize" with her while she goes out for ice cream or drinks. I tell her that
dessert or drinks once in a while is fine, but it can't be a spur of the moment
thing, she needs to tell me in advance so I can budget my points...but then I
just end up being called a bridezilla again.

Tonight I was at her house...I got there after I ate dinner: about 8pm.
All my points for the day and flex points were gone. At about 9pm she said she
thought it would be a great idea to go to Coldstone for ice cream. I told her I
couldn't, I had no more points, and then she got all mad and asked why I
couldn't just get light ice cream, or just sit there with her while she has ice
cream. She does this with regular food too...she will want to go to a restaurant
where she knows there is absolutely nothing I can eat, and then when I say I
don't want to go there she will say "well you can just have a side salad with no
dressing and hang out with me while I have my burger and fries". She doesn't
understand that doing WW is hard for me, and I would love to eat ice cream at
9pm and fast food for lunch, but I can't, and me haning out eating nothing with
her while she eats all that stuff is just more temptation than I can handle. She
makes me feel like I am really selfish for thinking this way.

Am i being a total ***? I really don't think so, but she sure makes me
feel like I am...

Sorry for the novel, had to vent.

How is that not completely bizarre? Am I just now seeing this sort of behavior for what it is - rude, disordered, completely batshit - or am I in some strange minority of people who assume that if you have food issues, it's up to you to deal with them or suggest an alternate activity? I would be appalled if a friend of mine told me I had to eat cardboard grossness at chain restaurants every. time. we went out, just so she could indulge in self-imposed starvation. I would be concerned for her, first of all, but also shocked at such self-righteous rude ridiculousness.

The thread didn't have a lot of responses, but those that were there were just as strange as the original post.

Reply One:
I believe the expression she's looking for is "buff bride".

Reply Two:

You are definitely not being an ***! It sounds more like she is. Maybe you
should find non-eating activities to do together - sounds like she likes to eat
a lot.

Seriously, y'all, I feel like Alice over here. This just seems so abnormal to me, and I have a mother who insists that I should try every fad diet that comes down the pike, even after I've hung up on her for talking weight.

Maybe I'm out of touch. Maybe this is why I don't have girlfriends. I can't think of anything more boring than spending all day figuring out what I'm "allowed" to eat - unless it's spending my time wondering if my friend will be similarly "allowed" to see me when I refuse to worship at the altar of eating disorders. Or worrying that my friends will all be stolen by Weight Watchers.

And what the hell is with the "Sounds like she eats a lot"? Sounds to me like she eats for pleasure, for connection with others, and to fuel her body. So what if it's "a lot"? Last I checked, we all need to consume 2,350 calories to be considered to have food security - to be considered to be not starving. Is that poster suggesting that not starving is a reason to get a friend to change her habits and her way of spending time and joy with others? Not starving is - what? A bad habit, like smoking, or biting one's nails?

I can see the magazine headlines now: "Are you NOT STARVING? We'll tell you how to break the cycle of health!" Or maybe: "Why You Don't Need Food Security: Don't Let People Think You Like To Eat A Lot." Or even: "Pakistani Diet Secrets Revealed! (They're Starving!)"

The saddest thing? None of those headlines is beyond belief. Or at least, not very far beyond it. And that's why I weep for the world - because this shit is so normal, a woman who "likes to eat a lot" is some sort of swear word that's censored on a wedding website.