Wednesday, April 16, 2008

I Weep for the World

Some days, I seriously wonder if I've gone completely mad, and am even now only hallucinating this blog from the safety of a padded cell and a nice, tight white jacket.

This was a post I ran across on the Knot just now, and I wonder if, before I found Size Acceptance, I just took for granted that everyone should have disordered habits around food, too.

Does dieting make me a Bridezilla?

I posted this on Getting in Shape board too, but was also curious what all
the P&E girls thought...

I have a really good friend who is also one of my BM's. Every since I
joined WW she has been driving me crazy. She calls me to go out to eat all the
time, which is fine, but she never wants to go to anywhere where I can easily
look up points. She will always pick little local cafes. I will ask her
sometimes if we can go to a national chain that is listed in my dining out
guide, or for sushi, or something low-point and easy to figure out, and she will
call me a bridezilla and act like I am being overly difficult.

Then, once we've eaten, she will always want dessert or drinks, and she
will get mad at me if I decline, or she'll ask why I can't just sit there and
"socialize" with her while she goes out for ice cream or drinks. I tell her that
dessert or drinks once in a while is fine, but it can't be a spur of the moment
thing, she needs to tell me in advance so I can budget my points...but then I
just end up being called a bridezilla again.

Tonight I was at her house...I got there after I ate dinner: about 8pm.
All my points for the day and flex points were gone. At about 9pm she said she
thought it would be a great idea to go to Coldstone for ice cream. I told her I
couldn't, I had no more points, and then she got all mad and asked why I
couldn't just get light ice cream, or just sit there with her while she has ice
cream. She does this with regular food too...she will want to go to a restaurant
where she knows there is absolutely nothing I can eat, and then when I say I
don't want to go there she will say "well you can just have a side salad with no
dressing and hang out with me while I have my burger and fries". She doesn't
understand that doing WW is hard for me, and I would love to eat ice cream at
9pm and fast food for lunch, but I can't, and me haning out eating nothing with
her while she eats all that stuff is just more temptation than I can handle. She
makes me feel like I am really selfish for thinking this way.

Am i being a total ***? I really don't think so, but she sure makes me
feel like I am...

Sorry for the novel, had to vent.

How is that not completely bizarre? Am I just now seeing this sort of behavior for what it is - rude, disordered, completely batshit - or am I in some strange minority of people who assume that if you have food issues, it's up to you to deal with them or suggest an alternate activity? I would be appalled if a friend of mine told me I had to eat cardboard grossness at chain restaurants every. time. we went out, just so she could indulge in self-imposed starvation. I would be concerned for her, first of all, but also shocked at such self-righteous rude ridiculousness.

The thread didn't have a lot of responses, but those that were there were just as strange as the original post.

Reply One:
I believe the expression she's looking for is "buff bride".

Reply Two:

You are definitely not being an ***! It sounds more like she is. Maybe you
should find non-eating activities to do together - sounds like she likes to eat
a lot.

Seriously, y'all, I feel like Alice over here. This just seems so abnormal to me, and I have a mother who insists that I should try every fad diet that comes down the pike, even after I've hung up on her for talking weight.

Maybe I'm out of touch. Maybe this is why I don't have girlfriends. I can't think of anything more boring than spending all day figuring out what I'm "allowed" to eat - unless it's spending my time wondering if my friend will be similarly "allowed" to see me when I refuse to worship at the altar of eating disorders. Or worrying that my friends will all be stolen by Weight Watchers.

And what the hell is with the "Sounds like she eats a lot"? Sounds to me like she eats for pleasure, for connection with others, and to fuel her body. So what if it's "a lot"? Last I checked, we all need to consume 2,350 calories to be considered to have food security - to be considered to be not starving. Is that poster suggesting that not starving is a reason to get a friend to change her habits and her way of spending time and joy with others? Not starving is - what? A bad habit, like smoking, or biting one's nails?

I can see the magazine headlines now: "Are you NOT STARVING? We'll tell you how to break the cycle of health!" Or maybe: "Why You Don't Need Food Security: Don't Let People Think You Like To Eat A Lot." Or even: "Pakistani Diet Secrets Revealed! (They're Starving!)"

The saddest thing? None of those headlines is beyond belief. Or at least, not very far beyond it. And that's why I weep for the world - because this shit is so normal, a woman who "likes to eat a lot" is some sort of swear word that's censored on a wedding website.


  1. What in the ever loving hell?! Where is this post? I feel the need to respond.

    To answer your question, no, you're not crazy. This post is. I've quit hanging out with people for reasons like that. I mean, FFS, why CAN'T she just sit there while her friend eats if she doesn't want ice cream?!

  2. It was on P&E last night (4/16). It got up to 15 replies before I used all my Sanity Watchers points and had to ignore it - everyone told me that WW isn't disordered, that the OP is perfectly right to diet even though she says she has a "normal" BMI, and this friend of hers is awful for not wanting to talk about food all the time.

    The stupidity, it hurts my brain.

  3. I know that there is a huge difference between eating for health reason (ie. no carbs, heart healthy, etc.) But you know? It's MY issue. I deal with it and scour menu's and ask questions about what I am eating in order to enjoy my meal and enjoy the company of friends and family.

    People need to learn to stop thinking about the food they put in their mouths, and more about enjoying the time with a friend.

    I learned a long time ago to stop worrying so much (except, again for health reasons) about what I eat, and just ENJOY myself and my food.


  4. I kind of agree with the statement that every woman has an eating disorder (even though it needs to be qualified insofar as some women are too busy just bloody surviving and getting those 2300 calories together every day to worry too much about body image and carbs).

    So I think the OP literally CAN'T see her friend's point of view. She completely believes she's being normal, even virtuous, and countless other women will enforce and validate that point of view. As does the media, et cetera, et cetera. You see where I'm going with this.

  5. Tink, I have no issues with people who have genuine health concerns. I know that a diabetic, for example, has a justified preoccupation with what goes into their bodies. Likewise for a person with allergies. I happen to be super-picky, and I will ask bunches of questions if menus aren't clear enough to make sure I'll enjoy the food I order.

    The thing that gets me is that you know the kind of conversations they're having. "I'm so fat."
    "No, you're not."
    "Yes, I am, I ate ALL MY POINTS today!"

    Ad nauseum, or ad until the non-dieter gets so incredibly bored with the dieter that she can't stand it and has to ask strangers to validate her friend's self-esteem so she can stop hearing about fucking Weight Watchers.

    Mrs Little Fisch - first off, thanks for reading! And yeah, I see where you're going. And I agree that the dieter probably can't see another point of view - I know my mom can't, and I've just stopped discussing food with her, because we go round and round about how I should be dieting, and she's on this great diet where you only eat X, or don't eat W,Y, or Z, and I'd lose so much weight!

    But also, I'd be starving and completely preoccupied with food. As it is, I'm occupied enough with fat, so.


Gimme some eggs for my bacon!