Sunday, April 20, 2008

Open Letter to Coloradans

No, I know, it's so confusing, that big car! All that metal! All those buttons, knobs, levers and pedals! I understand. You're having trouble. That's why I'm here to help.

The gas pedal is on the right. If you press it, it makes the car go faster! Yes, that's right - faster than twenty fucking miles per hour!

I know you know where the brake is. You use it to start stopping for the signal while a) the signal's still green, and b) when you're half a mile from it. Also: whenever anyone else within two miles of you is braking, for whatever reason. You wouldn't want to get ahead of the pack, or out of someone else's blind spot! That would be ridiculous!

And now I'll tell you a secret: The left lane on the freeway is for people who'd like to go faster than you. No, really. That's where the expression "the fast lane" comes from. Sorry to say, though, that "fast" doesn't mean fifty miles per hour in a sixty-five zone. In fact, that would be the exact opposite of "fast".

Parking lots are not, in fact, a suitable place to drive 35 mph. No, really. Especially since that seems to be top speed around here.

And right-of-way is not, actually, determined simply by who really wants to go. There are rules. I will follow them, even if it means hitting your stupid ass.

Wishing you would kindly get the fuck out of my way,

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Gimme some eggs for my bacon!