Friday, August 20, 2010

Ugh, Ugh, Ugh

Uh-oh. Is your house making you fat?

And here I thought my fat made me fat. Silly fatty. 

Of course all the tips assume that not a single one of us is able to eat according to cues of hunger and satiety. We don't listen to our bodies. No, we eat because food looks good, or because our wall color made us depressed, or because our plates are big. 

And of course we're all dieting. I mean, what kind of terrible people would we be if we just stayed fat? 

I know, I know, I shouldn't be watching the Today Show. But I like to while away my morning waking up in front of the TV, catching up on my news and message boards and blogs before I'm ready for real work, and this is what I keep on in the background. Plus, if I didn't watch shit like that, where would I find anything to write about? It can't all be book reviews and gushing about third-tier TV series around here. 

So. Let's break it down, shall we?

1. Turn up the lighting....Dim lights make food look more attractive, which encourages binge eating.
           So - I should only eat disgusting-looking food, because then I won't want to eat? Let's also completely ignore the fact that binge eating is a bona fide eating disorder, and you can't get it by just eating until you're full. Finishing your dinner? Not binge eating, morons.

2. Color everything blue.
          This one I don't get at all. I guess they've done research that blue walls or blue colored plates and flatware or lighting makes food less appealing, and people will eat less when presented with blue. I have blue and green plates; I've never noticed that the people I serve on the blue eat less than the people who eat off the green, but what do I know? I just eat till I'm full, after all.

3. Make your plate smaller.
         Because obviously, everyone cleans their plate all the time. Hunger cues? What're those?

4. Only use your kitchen for cooking and eating.
          God forbid anyone else see the kitchen - the source of nourishment - as the heart of the home. Get out, or you might catch the fatz!

5. Get enough sleep.
          They suggest spraying your pillows with lavender. But, wait - I thought fatties were lazy gluttons who napped on the couch, covered in bonbons? I don't see how getting enough sleep will prevent fat, but being lazy won't.

6. Spray energizing scents.
          Because people with more energy - are more energetic? The article doesn't explain this at all, and frankly, I don't get it. If I'm energized, will I suddenly develop new genetic code that makes me skinny? 

7. Run up and down the stairs.
          And keep exercise equipment just laying around the house, because then you'll use it! We all know fatties don't exercise ever!

8. Get rid of "fat clothes".
          I agree with this. Not to keep you thin, of course, that's bullshit. But clearing your closet of clothing that doesn't fit you? That just makes life so. much. easier. Of course, I'll keep my fat clothes - they're the only ones I have, after all.

9. Thinspiration!
          No, I'm not kidding. Keeping a photo of some other body pasted to your fridge will remind you not to eat! It keeps you focused on your goal! It totally tells everyone who comes into your house how virtuous we all should be, and it's totally not disordered at all! 

The thing is, it's not just this article, this spot on Today. It's this, and it's the segment on every other talk show, and it's the weight loss commercials, and it's the rapidly-shrinking plus sections in brick-and-mortar stores, and it's the people catcalling on the street, and, and, and. This is relentless, and it's inexcusable. Sure, I snidely deconstruct, but that's just to keep sane. What I'd really love? A world where there's nothing for me to write about at all.

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