Ugh, Ugh, Ugh

Seriously?
Uh-oh. Is your house making you fat?

And here I thought my fat made me fat. Silly fatty. 

Of course all the tips assume that not a single one of us is able to eat according to cues of hunger and satiety. We don't listen to our bodies. No, we eat because food looks good, or because our wall color made us depressed, or because our plates are big. 

And of course we're all dieting. I mean, what kind of terrible people would we be if we just stayed fat? 

I know, I know, I shouldn't be watching the Today Show. But I like to while away my morning waking up in front of the TV, catching up on my news and message boards and blogs before I'm ready for real work, and this is what I keep on in the background. Plus, if I didn't watch shit like that, where would I find anything to write about? It can't all be book reviews and gushing about third-tier TV series around here. 

So. Let's break it down, shall we?

1. Turn up the lighting....Dim lights make food look more attractive, which encourages binge eating.

           So - I should only eat disgusting-looking food, because then I won't want to eat? Let's also completely ignore the fact that binge eating is a bona fide eating disorder, and you can't get it by just eating until you're full. Finishing your dinner? Not binge eating, morons.

2. Color everything blue.

          This one I don't get at all. I guess they've done research that blue walls or blue colored plates and flatware or lighting makes food less appealing, and people will eat less when presented with blue. I have blue and green plates; I've never noticed that the people I serve on the blue eat less than the people who eat off the green, but what do I know? I just eat till I'm full, after all.

3. Make your plate smaller.

         Because obviously, everyone cleans their plate all the time. Hunger cues? What're those?

4. Only use your kitchen for cooking and eating.

          God forbid anyone else see the kitchen - the source of nourishment - as the heart of the home. Get out, or you might catch the fatz!

5. Get enough sleep.

          They suggest spraying your pillows with lavender. But, wait - I thought fatties were lazy gluttons who napped on the couch, covered in bonbons? I don't see how getting enough sleep will prevent fat, but being lazy won't.

6. Spray energizing scents.

          Because people with more energy - are more energetic? The article doesn't explain this at all, and frankly, I don't get it. If I'm energized, will I suddenly develop new genetic code that makes me skinny? 

7. Run up and down the stairs.

          And keep exercise equipment just laying around the house, because then you'll use it! We all know fatties don't exercise ever!

8. Get rid of "fat clothes".

          I agree with this. Not to keep you thin, of course, that's bullshit. But clearing your closet of clothing that doesn't fit you? That just makes life so. much. easier. Of course, I'll keep my fat clothes - they're the only ones I have, after all.

9. Thinspiration!

          No, I'm not kidding. Keeping a photo of some other body pasted to your fridge will remind you not to eat! It keeps you focused on your goal! It totally tells everyone who comes into your house how virtuous we all should be, and it's totally not disordered at all! 

The thing is, it's not just this article, this spot on Today. It's this, and it's the segment on every other talk show, and it's the weight loss commercials, and it's the rapidly-shrinking plus sections in brick-and-mortar stores, and it's the people catcalling on the street, and, and, and. This is relentless, and it's inexcusable. Sure, I snidely deconstruct, but that's just to keep sane. What I'd really love? A world where there's nothing for me to write about at all.

Tasty Television Thursday!

Let's talk TV.

I LOVE TV. It is an unholy love. I probably love TV more than candy, but not quite as much as Bacon. I'm watching TV right now, in fact - The Cooking Channel, which is a usual destination for me in the middle of the day.

Mostly, I watch documentaries, dramas, and cooking shows. I'm not a fan of reality TV, and most sitcoms fall flat for me. But give me a show about giant jellyfish or a How It's Made marathon and I'm in nerdy television heaven. I also DVR Jeopardy! every day. Yes. That nerdy.

I was looking forward to a new season of goodies, but I looked up the listings for fall the other day and I am sad and disappointed. There's really nothing very appealing on the network schedules, and though I love my returning favorites (especially from FOX), I'm hoping that mid-season will bring us something better than yet another police procedural or family drama.

My favorite new summer show this year is Haven, on Syfy. Based on a Stephen King story, it's - yes, another - cops-investigate-weird-shit show. Not as out there as Fringe, not as dark as The X-Files, Haven is more character-driven than plot-driven, and features a young, capable cast headed by Emily Rose as FBI Agent Audrey Parker. Called to Haven, Maine on a case, she stays for an indefinite "vacation" when she finds that a woman who looked just like her had come through the area ~30 years ago - right about the time she was born and abandoned by her mother. Could the mysterious woman tied to the "Colorado Kid" case be her mom? If she is, what are the chances that they both ended up in Haven by accident? And what's up with all the weird shit going on?

Rose is backed up by Lucas Bryant as local cop Nathan Wournos and Eric Balfour as local ne'er-do-well Duke Crocker. Wournos' taciturnity and Crocker's negligent charm are wonderful foils for each other, and watching the two of them spar over Audrey's big-city FBI cynicism is the best part of the show.

The writing is a little uneven - the supernatural plot elements seem to wrap up too neatly, too quickly - but I thought the same about Warehouse 13, which has found its footing in its second season, so I'm not too worried about Haven. I highly recommend you give this quirky little series a try - especially since there won't be anything else worth watching anytime soon.

Haven, Syfy, Fridays at 10 pm Eastern

It's Dust. No, Really.

Look, people. Orbs are not ghosts. They're not anything. They're dust, or bugs, but they are not ghosts, and I insist you stop calling them "proof" of the paranormal.

I'm addicted to ghost shows. But of course, they have to be good ghost shows. I'm not going to spend an hour watching "psychics" run around with night-vision rigs on, running away from shit. No. I want some TAPS-style debunking, I want real investigation, or I want Celebrity Ghost Stories.

Bio has a new one, on just after CGS, titled My Ghost Story. It has the same confessional style as CGS, but it boasts that these stories come with "proof" of the paranormal. So far, all the "proof" has led me to rename it My Orb Story, because seriously. All three episodes so far have been orbtastic, orbalicious, orbsome. But since orbs are just dust, this is really only proof that these people are in buildings in the real world, and not some set built in a clean room.

I do believe in ghosts - or in some form of paranormal activity, at any rate. I think there are things we cannot yet scientifically explain. But the thing is, you have to at least try to scientifically explain them first! You can't just run around calling every bump in the night, every instance of bad wiring or fear cages or someone having the same ceiling fan remote a ghost!